'Married at First Sight' star posts tribute to child she miscarried

Five months have passed since Married at First Sight‘s Jamie Otis and Doug Hehnerlost their son to a miscarriage. As as what would be his due date is nearing, the couple say they are still feeling the grief. Otis posted a touching tribute to her Instagram page on Monday, leading with the anonymous inspirational quote often shared by people who have lost a loved one: “It wasn’t my choice to survive without you. So I will spend my life living for you and honoring you.” The quote came attached to a poolside photo of Otis and Hehner — when she was three months pregnant. The pair lost their baby boy at four months along. They later named him Jonathan Edward. Want all the latest pregnancy and birth announcements, plus celebrity mom blogs? Click here to get those and more in the PEOPLE Babies newsletter. “I was so happy to have you in my belly,” Otis captioned her shot. “I was 3 months pregnant with you in this photo… little did I know a month later I’d lose you.” “The heartache since you left has been excruciating,” she added. “Johnny, I can’t help but think of what you’d look like if you were able to stay in there safe and sound and come to us like you were supposed to for Christmas.” In October, Otis posted a black-and-white photo of her and Henher with Johnathan Edward — in honor of pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. “I realize there is a great stigma associated with sharing photos of your baby who was born too early and has already gone to heaven so I want to say sorry if this offends you,” she wrote at the time. “I hope by me sharing my sweet boy, Johnny (as Doug and I call him), you’ll realize that he’s a harmless, helpless baby who deserves to be remembered, not hidden away because his image may offend someone.” In her post, Otis reflected back at the moment that photo was taken while sending her son more continued love. “I’ll always love & honor you,” she wrote. “You’re my angel baby. Even though we only met briefly and I only got to hold you & give you kisses once — I still miss you.” “I’ll always, always love you,” she concluded. RELATED VIDEO: Married at First Sight‘s Doug Hehner and Jamie Otis Lose Baby — Our Son Was “Too Beautiful for Earth” Since Otis and Hehner lost their son, she has been candid about sharing their experiences on her blog and Instagram page — including the fact that she and her husband still have hope to expand their family. “Hearing stories of and coping mechanisms has helped me, but what has really helped me is hearing stories of others who have gone on to have their rainbow babies,” she wrote in an August post. “And those who say they got pregnant with their rainbow baby within months of losing their first baby gives me even more hope. “I don’t know how others handle , but for me I have this strange idea that the solution to my problem is to be pregnant again,” she added. “I just feel like there is an emptiness in me that can’t be filled.”